desert sunrise

desert sunrise
desert sunrise

Thursday, November 12, 2009

Below is a personal journaling piece written last spring (or summer..I forget)while I was in the midst of dealing with some "discomfort" associated with work and what everyday life demands of us. Such is life! ;-)

Can-Can Phobia

What does one do when life just doesn’t seem to fit?

Everything and everyone, except a VERY select few, make me wiggle and itch. When I was 5 or 6 years-old, can-cans were in fashion. I hated the hard itchy lacy contraptions!

On a square dancer I understand the swirling, whirling “look at my old lady legs still able to kick up the dust” image they totally create ...... BUT in my just going to a one room country school life? Come on! What purpose could this suffering possibly have??!!

Red bumps rose on my legs like hives on steroids, all in the name of making a skirt look like a bell and my legs unwilling clackers. Ring, itch, ring, itch, itch, ITCH!

Life feels like that sometimes. For the sake of appearance I put on my can-can, itching, squirming and suffering through the “looking like everyone else” but feeling like I have ants in my pans syndrome. What the hell??? How can it possibly serve anyone, except those who manufacture the can-can appearance nonsense?

Of course, it doesn’t serve a soul and for damn well doesn’t serve ME! So again, what does one do when life just doesn’t seem to fit? Is there an antidote for “can-can” restless body, mind and soul discomfort? An easy, doesn’t make you queasy ointment or pill or protein drink. For Christ’s sake, they can give a man a pill induced erection but they can’t muster up a “good for 12 hours” pill to take you out of a stuck in a rut place and transport you to YES, this is exactly what I want to be doing in my life place!! BUT…if you experience EXTREME happiness for more hen 4 hours, contact your physician immediately, it COULD be hazardous to your expectations and could possibly lead to WANTING this type of satisfied, self nurturing feeling 24 hours a day……

Hmmmmmm…..sounds like an addiction of the natural kind could be the result doesn’t it? All the euphoric psychological effects of an addictive drug, without the drug. What a pharmaceutical nightmare! No drug, no ga-zillion dollars of extortion funneled from innocent folks just wanting to feel good? How could that work??

Ok, enough ranting about that.

Disposing of my can-can should be an easy as fruit punch act. But behold the human-ness to cling to that which is familiar, no matter how miserable it makes me. This seems to come from examples instilled into my adolescent brain by a father who mercilessly beat my mother (and yes, as unacceptable as it sounds… she fed his fire of violent behavior at times) and verbally abused my brother in ways that still make my stomach turn into a churning mess of fear.

Any thoughts of unchaining ourselves from this violent "nobody wins" lifestyle were strictly forbidden. Abuse was our daily dose of cod liver oil, take it or get your ass kicked type of life training. Cling to that which destroys your Spirit and cast off that which empowers you to be more powerful then your abuser. The 1st commandment in an abusive household and one not easily shunned as an adult, even into senior citizenship.

Not only do I have a can-can to cast off, but an anchor of untruth as well.

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